1. Zombies. The slow kind, not the fast, sprinting kind. Even if you’re a good sprinter or can run a zillion miles, they will never get tired and never slow down. Slow zombies seem to give up after very little chase. Poor cardio? Are they all chain smokers when they’re not eating brains? Who knows! Frankly, even speedwalking would do the trick here.
2. An angry mob. Oh sure, statistically speaking the larger the mob the higher the chances of at least one of them being faster than you, but if you’re a decent runner you have several advantages. For one thing, you’re not encumbered by annoying torches or pitchforks – they really slow you down. For another, there is no guarantee the fastest mob members aren’t trapped in the middle of or even the back of the mob. We’ve all been there at a mass starting line, am I right? Poor fast, angry but impeded mob people.
3. A dinner tab. Want a free tip for lots of eat out meals that you never have to pay for? Dine with slower friends! You could take the cowardly way out of stiffing your friends with the bill by sneaking out of the bathroom window, but where’s the sport in that? If you want to make it see remotely fair just announce suddenly after dessert “Last one to the door has to pay!!” and bolt for the exit! Who said speedwork had to be boring?
4. It. If you have good cardio from all of the miles you’ve been logging, you may never be “it” again. Who is going to try and tag you if they have to run 20 miles to find you? Not very many people. Come to think of it, “marathon tag” sounds pretty catchy!
5. Sharks. Seriously, they can’t do anything on land. They suck. Excluding those caught in a sharknado. Those things are terrifying on land AND water!
6. Pre-firearm muggers. This one is tricky as it would also require you to have a time machine. Think about it though, if you knew there was zero chance that the person robbing you had a gun, you could just turn heel and run. I guess theoretically they could have a rock and a wicked pitching arm, but still, the odds of that are slimmer than you having a time machine handy!
7. Aunt Martha. She always pinches your cheeks. Wears waaay too much perfume. Will talk for hours on end about any and all of her thirty-seven cats (she calls them her “fur-babies”). You know who I mean. Very dangerous in enclosed spaces, but get yourself out in the open and make a break for it.
8. Kids with sticky hands. This holds true especially when wearing your tech shirts or other running gear. What IS that on their hands? Where did they get that candy? Dear lord, what did you find under the couch?? Don’t investigate – just run for it. It’s a well-known fact that the hands of children contain more ingredients than a pharmaceuticals factory and are stickier then super glue velcroed onto marshmallow fondant. The good news – most can’t run worth a darn.
9. Hovercrafts. Surprisingly fast, racing hovercrafts can reach speeds of over 100 mph. So, if you’re being chased by a racing hovercraft, best of luck! Even recreational hovercrafts can top out at over 40 mph. Your best chance? Change directions right off to get a head start and then take a lot of corners – they really aren’t super maneuverable. Otherwise find a narrow alleyway or something similar so that the hovercraft can’t follow you. Of course, the people on it might be able to. And why is a hovercraft chasing you anyway? What did you DO?
10. Don’t panic (and don’t turn around) – but that thing behind you. It looks pretty slow. I think if you just slowly put your laptop or ipad or whatever down and act nonchalant it might work. Unless it reads English and is reading this right now. Which I’m pretty sure it is. Yup. It totally is. Dang.